23 quotations linked to Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar by or associated with Mark Twain, with source notes, explanations and related topics.
Satire, reversal, habits, money, fear, writing, friendship, mortality, human pretension and compact social criticism.
Use these links when you want to inspect the wording in its wider work or edition.
“Tell the truth or trump—but get the trick.”
The joke turns moral advice into card-table strategy, making the line funny precisely because truth and tactical winning are compressed into one impossible-sounding rule.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter I epigraph; one of the fictional Calendar maxims Twain places before the chapter.
“When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.”
The line begins like conventional restraint advice and then breaks its own moral posture, using escalation to turn a familiar self-control formula into a comic admission about anger.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter X epigraph; a Calendar maxim placed directly after the mortality joke.
“As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.”
The mock rule is comic in its bluntness but also functions as concise writing advice: unnecessary modifiers can weaken direct expression when the writer is unsure they earn their place.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter XI epigraph; the sentence follows the three-part author compliment in the Calendar sequence.
“Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”
The aphorism mocks reformers who find other people’s behavior easier to correct than their own, using a compact reversal to expose self-exemption and misplaced certainty.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter XV epigraph; a Calendar maxim immediately before the eggs-in-one-basket passage.
“We don’t care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.”
The food comparison mocks pretension: the problem is not merely being ordinary, but adopting an inflated estimate of one’s own status and expecting others to accept it.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter V epigraph, introduced as a remark concerning upstarts in the Calendar sequence.
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.”
Courage is defined as governing fear rather than never feeling it, which makes courage compatible with vulnerability.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar; the courage aphorism appears in Twain’s chapter-epigraph sequence and is preserved as a Calendar maxim rather than character dialogue.
“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.”
The epigram satirizes the irritation produced when another person’s good conduct silently exposes our own shortcomings, making moral example feel inconvenient rather than inspiring.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter XIX epigraph; one of the Calendar maxims before the chapter.
“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”
The undertaker supplies the comic reversal, but the underlying standard is serious: live with enough decency and human value that even someone professionally accustomed to death would feel the loss.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter VI epigraph; a Calendar maxim preceding the chapter.
“Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was, that they escaped teething.”
Twain shrinks a grand biblical origin story to the ordinary misery of teething, using disproportion between subject and complaint as the comic mechanism.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter IV epigraph; a comic Calendar maxim rather than dialogue by a character in the chapter.
“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”
The familiar nine-lives saying becomes a joke about falsehood multiplying beyond control, suggesting that lies can survive correction and keep producing consequences.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter VII epigraph; the cat-and-lie comparison is one of the Calendar aphorisms.
“It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.”
Twain turns pluralism into a betting joke: disagreement is presented not as abstract virtue but as the practical condition that makes a horse race worth wagering on.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter XIX epigraph; a Calendar maxim paired with the good-example line.
“Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.”
The absurd comparison makes a serious point about proportion and stage of life: impressive status is not automatically preferable when age or circumstance changes what can actually be enjoyed.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph paired with the friendship maxim before the next narrative section.
“Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.”
Twain uses dark comedy to overturn conventional emotional assumptions, forcing the reader to notice that birth begins the difficulties of life while death ends them for the person concerned.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter IX epigraph; a darkly comic Calendar maxim about birth and death.
“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”
The exaggerated botany turns education and training into a comic theory of transformation, while still preserving the broader idea that development changes what something can become.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter V epigraph; the cauliflower comparison appears as a Calendar maxim before the chapter.
“All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”—a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.”
The dark joke reverses the usual complaint about mortality by suggesting that having lived through life already gives people experience of difficulty, making death an oddly chosen final grievance.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter X epigraph; the mortality line is immediately followed by the anger maxim.
“When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.”
The joke turns the conventional promise of a better afterlife into self-interested moral calculation: the speaker suddenly worries about spending eternity with people he already disliked.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph preceding the October speculation maxim.
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
The comparison uses cynical humor to praise the imagined loyalty of a rescued dog while criticizing human ingratitude after receiving help or prosperity.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph before the oyster-habits joke.
“When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea—and put him at the head of the procession.”
The heroic comparison is deliberately deflated by promoting the flea above famous military figures, exposing how literalizing a cliché can make grand praise sound ridiculous.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph before the chapter section in which the flea comparison appears.
“The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”
The sentence builds friendship into something almost sacred and then punctures the ideal with a borrowing joke, satirizing how financial pressure tests supposedly unconditional loyalty.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph before the section following Chapter VII; the lending-money qualification supplies the punch line.
“October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.”
The list reveals that every month is dangerous, turning what sounds like seasonal financial advice into a satire on speculative risk and the false hope that timing alone makes gambling safe.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph; the stock-market joke follows the reflection on disagreeable people.
“It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.”
The prehistoric-toad complaint satirizes habitual fault-finding by imagining a critic so determined to complain that even an absurd geological objection becomes useful.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter IX epigraph; the coal complaint follows the birth-and-funeral maxim in the Calendar sequence.
“We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.”
The joke pretends the lack of visible oyster behavior is a scheduling problem, parodying confident explanations and turning observation itself into the object of humor.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Calendar epigraph paired with the starving-dog comparison.
“There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book.”
The rising scale jokes about authorial vanity by making access to an unpublished manuscript the greatest compliment, because it flatters both the writer’s output and expectation of future work.
Pudd’nhead Wilson, Chapter XI epigraph; Twain presents the three-part compliment as a Calendar maxim about authors.
